Oh. Today and yesterday were actually okay days. I don’t know how or why but I’m glad they were cause I need some days that are okay. I’m going to the dance concert tonight. I can’t wait C: I love watching dancers. And dancers are just such interesting people, lol. They’re so expressive. 

And I don’t know, maybe I can visit J&J Fancy this weekend, and go to Chick-Fil-E with Phoebe, and watch a Japanese movie for my college class. And I can draw more people smoking. I had a dream last night about cigarettes so I decided to start drawing people holding them… I tried showing some friends but they almost all took it the wrong way. It’s just artistic to me…

And I guess I should finish Skins, finally, and then actually read some more of my book. 

I have to go now. Here’s to okay days.

And to cream soda. I LOVE CREAM SODA. OTL

So I was trying to not type anything up on tumblr anymore cause it fucks a lot of stuff up, but I feel like it right now. Hopefully nothing will happen this time.

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Right, so, school is tomorrow, fuck, why why why. I really don’t want to go. I hope it doesn’t suck but every time I say that it always does. Well I’m going to be wearing something a bit funky and I’m going to try and ignore some people and I’m going to listen to my music and pretend like it’s alright regardless of what happens. And hopefully someone will go with me to the mall like, tomorrow or Wednesday or whatever so I can buy this shitload of stuff I really really want. I never paid attention to my looks before but I accidentally started to, oops. A flat iron I need and a lot of make-up that I don’t get passed down from my sister. I’ve never put on eye-liner or anything before, in my life, so hopefully whoever comes with me can help me with that OTL. I want to get my ears pierced too but I need somebody who can really give me support for that because ow! LOL someone to hold my hand. I want to dye my hair red again, dark dark red, or whatever shade red, just red, but my mum won’t do it, Anne said she would but she won’t come down for another month :( I want her to do it really bad, but a month seems like such a long time… My hair will have grown out by then and I’ll need to pay for another cut. Bullocks. I got my hair cut like Emily’s only a bit, I mean I tried but the lady kind of didn’t do it very well, so it looks weird. With a flat iron and red hair dye it’d look okay though! But I have to wait for both of those OTL nothing works. 

I will not smoke. Never never never. Get that in your head silly lady! I wish I could carry Skins with me everywhere. I carry Emily’s adorable face with me of course and Chris’ saying “Fuck it!” to get me throoouuugghhh the day. TOO MUCH STRESS OVER MY STUPID JAPANESE HOMEWORK! I don’t know what to do with myself. I want to jump into a lake naked. Or scream penis while running down a street and watch fireworks on the dock. Or kiss someone. Or something. I think I’ve gone a little bit insane. There’s no one to go insane with me. It’s kind of lonely. I’m a lonely lunatic. 

Shit, school is going to suck. 

No it won’t! Elizabeth is back! I hope I can find her somewhere before I really do something weird.

Today I think was horrible and wonderful. Every minute I had this weird decision to either be gloriously happy or entirely swallowed up in depression. And then I sang a song and suddenly I broke down crying like I used to when I was 5 and I didn’t get what I wanted and so the only choice was to throw a tantrum. And then I sat down for a bit and then I cried a bit more and then I went to lunch feeling numb. Although at this point I didn’t even know what I was feeling anymore. People keep giving me funny looks. They can tell something is wrong with me. Even this guy who usually bullies me asked if I was okay. I fell asleep sideways in History and then my neck hurt for another hour. When school got out I was a little bit confused. I decided not to go to festival. I’d rather sleep, I thought. When I got home, dad asked me if I was going. “I don’t know,” was my response.

“You don’t want to go?”

“I don’t know.”

Then my mom came upstairs and said, “If you wanna go you had better get ready now.” So I did. I don’t know why. She took me to the Barnes n Noble first. I have a love-hate relationship with that mall. I can’t tell if it’s comforting me or mocking me. All I know is it brings back memories I’d rather forget cause they’re all lies I based my life on for the past year and well, that sucks to think about. But I really wanted a book so I walked in the store thinking I would never find one that would relate at all and then the very first title I saw was, 

“Why We Broke Up”

I also saw “Getting Over Garett Delaney” and some other title I can’t remember that was also weirdly relevant. I stared at the covers and read random pages of each one and eventually decided on the first one. It was definitely appealing and seemed to be the most promising in terms of writing style and originality. But what really made me choose it of the three was the quote I read at the beginning;

“I can see it. The world is right again, is the smile. I loved you and now here’s back your stuff, out of my life like you belong, is the smile. … You know I want to be a director, but you could never truly see the movies in my head and that, Ed, is why we broke up.”

And then I closed it and said, “This one.” And I put the others back in their places on the shelves.

This is an amazing book, and I already adore it.

Anyways - the festival. Which we drove to after. We watched the Concert Band and I cheered and I was proud of my friends. They improved a lot. And then my parents decided to go with the clarinets to Pat & Oscars so she could chat with her lady friends and I got to chase around the little kids before the big kids got there and I really had a good time. I should hang around the clarinets more often. I am always with the flutes who I adore but Pat & Oscars was the best part of my week, I’ll be honest. But again, my week was pretty damn horrible. We were laughing about Jesus and how scrumptious his flesh is and then suddenly I realized I wasn’t confused about how I was feeling anymore. I was feeling really nice. And then I made a mental note to myself that the next time I have a choice to go to a festival and I’m really tired and I feel like I don’t want to go that I have to go. No matter what. I think if I hadn’t gone I wouldn’t have been able to end my day okay. Especially cause the Wind Ensemble did great once we returned to the scene of the crime and they received a unanimous superior. A freaking unanimous superior. I couldn’t stop squealing. I’m seriously really proud. I missed Elizabeth cause I always do but I know she was there in spirit. And they were amazing anyway. I thought to the sky as I left, I hope your day went really well, Elizabeth, mine didn’t really but I survived even though you weren’t there to pick me up. And holy hell, we got a unanimous superior. My dad is going to be a happy man this break.

So now I can go rest and I can read my book and I can listen to Jack Johnson sing me lullabies and I’ll finally get some sleep tonight because I am emotionally and physically exhausted and I have been sleep deprived for weeks. Actually, if I’m honest with myself, for months. The nights I could get to sleep soundly were rare, only when I had something good to hold on to which was sometimes but not much. And those nights are usually ruined by nightmares where a certain someone comes back to me after all the misery I’ve been through. I wish those would stop appearing once every week to slap me in the face. I hope one doesn’t come tonight. I just want to dream of band and friends and family and books and cats and pretty girls and cream soda. And maybe a bit of Annaleigh Ashford or Jiyeon. Like putting a cherry on whipped cream. It sounds delicious right now. Tomorrow I’ll wake up and wash all the stress of school away in a hot shower and hopefully have a nice day with my family and my best cousin in the world who I miss like fuck. The last time I saw her I was still in depression mode and it’s not like I don’t go in that mode sometimes still especially now when I just realized I was betrayed utterly and completely but I at least have something to tell her now. I just hope this strength lasts longer this time. Damned pain, I just pray that I can get through the next semester without cursing for it just to be over and forgotten already then begging for it not to be in fear of losing Elizabeth and Bailee and Melanie and Kirstin, and everyone else. I like what Romina told me. “You get through by reading good books, watching some good movies, listening to good music and hanging out with your friends and your family a lot.” I hope I’m as strong as she tells me I am. But I don’t really know what’s right and what’s wrong anymore, morally or factually. I lost that quite some time ago when this little minor catastrophe came into my life called love. 

I’m just gonna get through this day by day though. At least I have the good book part down. 

Where did my light go?

This room is so dark

so cold

so lonely

All I have are the shadows to hold me

And broken memories to sing me to sleep

I’m scared to go out

Open my eyes

Scared that if I do I’ll realize

All I believed in were just lies,

lies,

lies

And I think,

If I snuck out of bed a monster would catch me

And swallow me up

Back into the darkness

Consumed and cowardeous

I cry

For some kind of light,

Somewhere

Hiding in this endless night,

Somewhere

There’s a light for me

Someone’s watching over me

Well - there must be

Otherwise how could I have survived this long

Without a night light

My lost night light

Alone in the dark

Hiding under my sheets

Away from the world

Where nothing can get me

No one can hurt me

Not anymore.

And hey, maybe

One day I’ll be

Brave enough to step back down

And back on the vulnerable ground

Exposed for who I am

Fearless of the monsters that haunt me

And play my heart strings

Like a desperate song

And maybe I’ll find that

All along

I’d had my night light with me, collecting dust in the corner of my mind

I just needed to turn it back on.

I just want to go somewhere different. I want to see something different. I want to experience something wild and captivating and I desire for it right now.

Bleh. I just want to disappear into a new world. If I could drive, I would get in a car right now and pick up my friends and drive to nowhere in particular. And we would stop somewhere random and take pictures and sing songs and climb trees, or buildings, or whatever is around us. If there’s nothing we could just run… run and spin and throw every responsibility and worry and care away. 

I wish she would appear at my door, shake keys at me and say, get in, loser. We’re driving away from this mess of a town. Just for today we’re leaving it and everything that’s happened inside of it behind. 

I’ve been playing my playlist of alternative and/or indie rock music and closing my eyes, imagining that scene over and over in my head. But the rain beating against my window slaps me right back into reality. I used to like rain. But I want the sun out. I want it to shine down on me and warm my skin. Then I could just grab my bike and grab Juan and we could ride far away from here. Just do anything. But the stupid rain thinks otherwise. We could have bought m&m’s and twinkies and ate them underneath the blue sky… but no, the sky is grey and wet and I hate it.

Man, it’s so cold. I wish I had a good book to read. I want a book like Perks of Being a Wallflower. Maybe I could just reread that one. Except that I don’t know where it is. 

I’m under the weather, just like the world

And I need somebody to hold

Ahhh… what to do, what to do…