January 25 2012

After school at Southwestern, Phoebe and I went with the guys to Jack in the Box. “The guys” being, those awesome anime video game nerdy guys who sit behind us c: I was afraid we wouldn’t make any friends in that class, but they’re just so cool and welcomed us into their group. They treated us, too. 

It feels nice to be included. I felt really…. like I fit in. They are college kids, but hanging around them I feel comfortable. For a minute I felt like a college kid, like in the song “Brat Pack”. I love that song. It makes me think of driving and hanging out around town with your pals, not giving a single fuck about anything. “It’s like we’re our own Brat Pack, we’re always kickin’ back. Nobody can take that, that is that, it’s like it’s all we have.” Listening to that song I always imagined when I’d be a college student and hang out in a group of like, hipster kids. Right? I love that thought. Driving down town and yelling out to the world. That feeling of being infinite, laughing at yourself and your friends, the wind blowing through your hair. It’s all unrelated to hanging out with the guys from school, but I’m just saying, that’s what I imagine listening to that song. That’s what I used to dream of. 

Oh, here’s a random thought I had today. As I was waiting for my mom to pick me up, I saw my friends leaving to go do something. I watched them walk away, and I felt a bit melancholy. They hadn’t said goodbye, they had forgotten me. I heard this voice say that’s because you’re not as important to them as they are to you. I realized if someone asked me if I needed them in my life I would say yes, but if someone asked them if they needed me in their lives, they’d say no. I tried to think of someone, anyone, who really needed me in their life. I tried to think of someone who came looking for me to hang out with me, instead of vice versa. I tried to think of someone, anyone, who sought to spend time with me regularly. I couldn’t think of a single person.

Even though a few people came to mind, I noticed all of them have people closer to them in their lives, or I was really only an option for them. Phoebe, again, even though she would tell me she needs me in her life, if I wasn’t here she would still have Juan and that would be enough. All the people I care about the most never come looking for me, I’m always the one looking for them. And the Ladies group…. well, they’ve long gone without me and I’m not necessary to their group at all anymore. They’re probably happier without me. They would still welcome me if I came back, but I feel bad already… so I avoid doing that to avoid the awkwardness… or to hang out with people who I follow around who expect me to follow and if I don’t they hardly even notice. 

It’s okay. I’m fine being my own best friend. It actually isn’t that big of a deal to me. But having to realize that there’s no one who sees me as a priority in their lives, is kind of sad. So I listened to Death Cab for Cutie and closed my eyes and felt the wind through my hair and across my skin. I guess that’s why I was so happy hanging out at Jack in the Box later because I didn’t have to ask to tag along. Naaman just looked at me and said, “Hey, Ginny, you coming?” as if it would be weirder to not go than to go. I felt like I was an actual part of the group. Not just someone who followed…

It’s okay though. I’m not hurt. I just hope I’m never a burden on those people who I find on my own and hang out with, despite my not being a real part of their group. If I ever was, I wish they would tell me so I wouldn’t continue being a burden ..